Who’s Fault is It?
Children’s Ministry Must Change their Perspective about Children with Mental Illness and Their Behaviors to Reach Them with the Gospel
Anders buried his head between his knees as he sat on the floor outside the classroom. This wasn’t the first time I’d found him in this position when I came to pick him up from Sunday School. In fact, it was more often than not.
The teacher popped her head out the door, my body tightened up, I took a deep breath, and told myself not to get defensive. “He sings too loudly and dances during worship distracting the other kids. And he’s a little know-it-all spouting off the Bible story before I have a chance to read it from the book. He’s always making the other kids laugh and they naturally follow him instead of paying attention to me. You really need to discipline him more so that he learns to behave properly.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks. I picked him up, gave him a hug and listened to him complain about having to go to church and why he never wanted to go back.
Maybe, ADHD and church are like oil and water — they just don’t mix. Children shouldn’t be distressed about going to church. They should learn that it’s a place of peace, encouragement, and love. Not a place without boundaries, but a place that feels like “home” — where you can be yourself and be accepted. If only the church could see my son, and other children with mental health disorders, through the eyes of Jesus.
In order to do so, we in children’s ministry must expect the work of God to be manifested in children with mental illness.
In Jesus’ time, physical ailments were stigmatized. People believed disabilities and illness were due to sin. We see this in the disciples question to Jesus in John 9.
“Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
It is mind-blowing to think that, 2000 years later, when we have knowledge at the tip of our fingers and scientists have the ability to view a living brain at work, we ask the same questions about mental illness that the disciples asked about blindness.
When someone says:
“It’s a generational curse.”
“You can’t allow her to act like that.”
“I would bend my son over my knee if he ever acted like that.”
“She must be neglected.”
“He must be abused.”
“You just need to pray more for her.”
What they’re really saying is:
“Jesus, these parents sinned that their child struggles with mental health disorders.”
When someone says:
“She’s trying to control you.”
“She knows better.”
“He should make better choices.”
“She won’t have any of these problems once she asks Jesus into her heart.”
“You need to cast the demons out of him.”
What they’re really saying is:
“Her mental health challenges are a result of her sin.”
And Jesus, who is the same yesterday and today, gives us the exact answer that He gave to the disciples: “It was not that this child, or his parents, sinned but that the works of God might be displayed in her.”
If we believe what Jesus said, it must change the way we see children with disabilities — whether blindness or schizophrenia.
Children with mental illness have purpose.
Not only do they have purpose, but they have a very lofty purpose: to display the works of God.
How would our children’s ministry change if we saw children with our Father’s eyes?
We’d see the fifth grader hiding under the table as a gift from God.
We’d see the preschooler who is literally bouncing off the walls as God’s image.
We’d see the junior higher who argues with everything we say as being fearfully and wonderfully made.
We’d see the toddler who screams the entire hour as perfectly knit together by the hands of God.
We’d see the kindergartener who rips up her paper and pounds the table when she can’t draw Noah’s Art perfectly as having a divine purpose.
Just think about it. If we believed that children with challenges were created for the purpose of displaying God’s works, we’d be watching them as a five year old views the presents under the Christmas tree — expectantly, waiting eagerly to see how God is going to display Himself through their lives.
Behaviors must be reinterpreted.
If we focus so much on the behavioral issues that wrap the gift, we may lose the excitement of the gift itself. But when we view a child as displaying God Himself, we begin to re-evaluate the way we see the wrapping.
First, we must re-evaluate what we label as “bad” behavior. Some behaviors that children with mental health issues display need to be accepted, cherished, and even encouraged. Singing loudly, shouting in excitement, dancing in the isles during worship need to be celebrated as acts of worship to the King, even if they are not the social norm for our congregation. Sometimes, it is our heart that needs to change and not the child’s behavior.
On the other hand, there are behaviors that distract others from hearing the gospel — behaviors that could put the child or children around them in harm’s way. We need to deal with these with grace and not discipline. And this starts with seeing the behaviors as a form of communication.
“Responding with Compassion: Navigating Challenging Behavior in Special Needs Ministry” put out by Joni and Friends Ministry states, “When we view behavior in this way it can give us a new level of patience and understanding…When we see a friend who is upset or appears to be acting out we should assume that they are more than likely trying to find a way to communicate.” They may be incapable of telling us that they are overstimulated, scared, or confused.
Clinical Behavioral Specialists use the acronym SEAT to determine what a behavior is trying to communicate.
S — Sensory. When Sabastian melts down on the floor and starts screaming, he may be telling you there is too much sensory input; when Julia jumps up and down instead of sitting on her carpet square she’s saying she needs more.
E — Escape. Lorenzo may bolt out the door when he can’t handle a situation and Caroline may bury her head in her arms when she feels anxious.
A — Attention. “One another” is used 100 times in the New Testament. Christ’s death and resurrection not only restores us in relationship to God but to each other. Children need to be connected, so when Faith insists on sitting on your lap and holding your hand, or Owen makes silly faces and clowns around, the attention they are begging for is a spiritual need as well as a physical, psychological one.
T — Tangibles. Tangibles are physical needs. Maybe Fletcher’s chair is too hard, or the music is too loud for Victoria so he rocks in the chair til it falls over and she won’t stop crying.
As teachers, who love the children we teach, we become investigators. Instead of seeing a behavior as a problem, we see it as a riddle to solve. We need to take time to observe ongoing behaviors, try to understand them and talk to parents. What is George trying to tell me when he bites his arm — that he needs a break, he wants attention, or there are too many colorful posters on the walls?
Wayne Dyer wrote, “Change the way you see things and the things you see will change.”
Finding a new church after we moved changed the way my son viewed God and his people. We’d been visiting a church for a few weeks when one of the children’s workers pulled me aside. My body tightened up, I took a deep breath, and told myself not to get defensive.
“I know you’ve only been here a few weeks, but we love Anders! He is such a joy. He just loves to worship — so we pulled him on stage to sing and dance during worship and the other kids followed his lead. He’s really funny, a natural leader, and really knows his Bible, so he’s been helping lead a small group of other kids. You should be really proud.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I picked him up, gave him a hug and listened to him chatter about how much he loves his new church and can’t wait to come back next week.
Resources
ESV Bible John 9:2–3; Psalm 127:3; Genesis 1:27; Psalm 127:13–14; Jeremiah 29:11
Jennifer McNally, “Responding with Compassion: Navigating Challenging Behavior in Special Needs Ministry,” The Irresistible Church Series, Joni and Friends, 2017
Matthew Standford, “Finding Grace for the Children: Finding Hope in the Midst of Child and Adolescent Mental Illness,” InterVarsity Press, 2019
